From: heb_roots_chr@mail.geocities.com
Sent: Friday, August 29, 1997 1:15 AM
To: Hebraic Heritage Newsgroup
Subject: Parashat Re'eh (Death and Mourning Customs]
SHABBAT SHALOM: Parashat Re'eh (Deuteronomy 11:26-16:17)
by Rabbi Shlomo Riskin
EFRAT, August 28, Root & Branch: One of the characteristics of ancient,
pagan cultures, was the act of self-mutilation in blood orgies on the part
of those mourning close relatives during a funeral ceremony. In direct
contradiction, the Torah commands: "You are the children of the Lord your
G-d: you shall not cut yourselves, nor make any baldness between your eyes
for the dead [Deut. 14:1]."
Since the most blatant and "way-of-the world" incidents of mourning occur
with the loss of parents, G-d forbid, the Torah reminds us that we are
never truly bereft, that we can always fall back on our Parent-in-heaven.
Hence, there's never an excuse for excessive grief; the ultimate Presence
of the Almighty, our eternal Parent, ought assuage broken hearts and heal
the wounds of severed earthly relationships.
There is however a strange law concerning mourning which requires
understanding. The period of mourning for a parent is an entire year, while
the period for a child, a wife, a sibling, is limited to thirty days. Why
is this so? After all, it would seem to me that the pain one feels at the
loss of a child is much worse than that of losing a parent, particularly in
such instances when a parent has lived a life of
accomplishment and for whom death can be a blessed relief from suffering
where a child is always in the bloom of youth with death nipping life's
promise in the bud.
A possible reason for the halakhic stringency in the case of a parent was
suggested by one Palestinian leader, who expressed a profound idea in a
rather popular fashion. Abu Ali, the Mukhtar of Wadi Nis (closest Arab
village to Efrat) came to pay a condolence call when I was sitting shiva
for my mother, zt"l. He was extremely courteous and gentle, and then spoke
to the assembled in his Hebrew-Arabic. "If one loses a
spouse it is tragic - but one can nevertheless always marry another. If
one loses a child the pain can never be healed - but one may well have
other children. After all, I have four wives and 13 children. But a
mother is irreplaceable; we are given only one set of parents, who can
never be replaced."
Fascinatingly enough, this very question was discussed when my rebbe and
mentor, Rav J.B. Soloveitchik zt"l was sitting shiva for his wife. Rabbi
Pinchas Teitz, zt"l (then the Rav of Elizabeth, New Jersey) who had come to
comfort the Rav, gave a similar explanation as that of the mukhtar: a
parent is not replaceable. Rav Yitzhak Hutner zt"l, famed Dean of Yeshivat
Haim Berlin and author of Pahad Yitzhak, disagreed - suggesting that our
mourning for a parent contains a dimension beyond our personal loss of an
individual who loved and cared for us; we are also mourning the fact that
in the loss of the parent, we have lost a link in the chain connecting us
to Sinai, we have become one generation further removed from the Divine
Revelation of Torah to
Israel.
According to this view, the added mourning period has less to do with our
relationship to the deceased, and more to do with the fact that the
deceased was a decisive factor in the relationship of the mourner to the
Torah tradition and to G-d. Rav Hutner's view is strengthened by the fact
that the Responsa literature generally link the commandment to mourn for
one's parents with the special commandment in the decalogue to honor one's
father and mother. It is interesting to note that the first group of
commandments in the decalogue deal with the relationships between people
and G-d (the prohibitions against idolatry, and the command to observe the
Sabbath), whereas the second group deal with relationships between people
(the prohibition against murdering, stealing, committing adultery). The
command to honor one's parents is fifth out of the ten - and it is
squarely on the side of those which stress our relationship to
G-d.
Generally speaking, one's parents provide the generational link which ties
us to our past cultural traditions; historical continuity depends upon one
generation's handing over rituals, passage of life-cycle celebrations and
fundamental values from generation to generation. Honoring one's parents
means honoring the traditions they represent;
their death weakens the bond of their cultural, historical tradition. In
fact, we see this distinction between parents and other family members
demonstrated in the importance that the Jewish tradition places on the
mourner for a parent leading the prayer services, and reciting the Kaddish
prayer. The death of a parent often serves to bring the children back to
the Synagogue and back to the traditions by ordaining that they serve as
"representatives of the congregation" before G-d.
Indeed, the Talmud teaches: "The prayers were initiated by the Parents."
[B.T.
Brakhot 26] The Sages were actually referring to three Patriarchs -
Abraham, Isaac and Jacob - each of them having instituted the morning,
afternoon and evening prayer respectively. But the "folk" interpretation
has it that with the death of the parents, those who have died bring the
children back to prayer as a result of the mourning customs. Moreover, the
Kaddish prayer expresses our faith in the eventual redemption of Israel and
the world, the ultimate transformation of this world from a valley of tears
to a garden of joy. This will take place in future time - and only as a
result of the cumulative efforts of the march of generations. Thus in
linking oneself to the past generations by returning to the traditions, one
at the same time connects to our anticipated future redemption in Messianic
times.
>From this perspective, therefore, mourning for one's parents becomes an
act
of repentance - which further explains the added amount of time necessary
to effectuate a re-discovering of one's roots. Interestingly enough, many
of the acts forbidden on Yom Kippur, our Day of Repentance and Forgiveness,
also apply to the mourner - especially when he is sitting "shiva". For
example, both occasions prohibit haircuts, shaving, bathing, anointing and
sexual relations.
Maimonides, in his great religio-legal compendium Mishneh Torah, makes the
connection between mourning and repentance implicit: "All those who do not
mourn the way our Sages have commanded is deemed cruel. He should take
heart, and be concerned and look into his deeds, and return to repentance."
[Laws of Mourning Chap. 13, Par. 12] Mourning for a parent inspires
repentance - but not only in the sense of return to tradition. Each time a
person experiences the death of a loved one, and especially of a
representative of the previous generation causing the next-in-line to feel
even more vulnerable, one is inevitably reminded of his own mortality, of
the specter of his own death.
The Romans understood this connection, and used it as a spur to hedonistic
enjoyment of the moment: "Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow you die"
they taught. However the Jewish attitude is best expressed by our Sages in
Ethics of Our Fathers: "Return to G-d one day before you die." And since
the day of our own deaths is one of the best kept secrets around, the truly
wise person understands that he must return to G-d and
tradition each and every day. From this vantage point when one mourns a
parent, one is also mourning one's self - and perhaps for that reason the
mourning period is elongated.
In order to conclude on a more optimistic note, I would like to offer a
most practical and logical reason for the 12 month mourning period for a
parent which was suggested by my wife. Remember that during the first year
of a child's life, the parent - and especially the mother - is very closely
tied to the newborn infant. During that first year, the child may not be
left alone. Many are the celebrations and group festivities which the
parents cannot attend because of their child's dependance upon them. In
effect, we pay our parents back by our not attending joyous occasions for
twelve months in deference to the memory of the departed. This is a
beautiful way of remembering that we would never have come into the world
in the first place - or have been able to live through our first year -
were it not for parental bearing and nurturing. And only those who are
able to show gratitude to parents on earth will develop the capacity to
show gratitude to our Parent-in-heaven.
Shabbat Shalom,
Rabbi Shlomo Riskin
Efrat, Israel
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Shlomo Riskin is Rabbi of Efrat and a Consulting Torah Scholar to the Root
& Branch Association
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Reply-to: heb_roots_chr@geocities.com
Subject: Death and Mourning
>From Eddie:
**************
Recenty, a member of our newsgroup wrote to the ministry
regarding the Jewish way in Death and Mourning. In the past year, the
wife and son of this individual died in a tragic car wreck. He asked
regarding the Jewish way in Death and Mourning. Perhaps other members
of the newsgroup have experienced the death of a loved one in the past
year. If so, you may be interested in understanding our Jewish Roots
regarding the practice of death and mourning.
Below is his note:
I am interested in studying Jewish customs & traditions concerning
death, grief, and mourning.
My wife of 20 years marriage died April 27, 1996 as a result of a car
accident & my 18 yr. old son died July 1, 1996 after being in a coma
due to the same accident. I am not looking for pity, but the Lord has
told me to study these subjects to help me to heal. God has truly
been merciful and good to me since their deaths and I am so glad I
know Him as my Lord and Savior.
I have already found great comfort through God's Word and His Spirit
and I am seeing His goodness in my life everyday. I especially have
found Isaiah 61:1-2 to have become more real and I believe He has a
work for me to do in helping to "bind up the brokenhearted" after I
get my broken-heart healed. I would greatly appreciate any help you
could provide me in researching this subject.
**********************************************************************
From: Cheryle Holeman (HaY'Did Ministries) (shalom@haydid.org)
To: heb_roots_chr@geocities.com
Subject: Death and Mourning
Friend, I cannot imagine what you have been through this
year. The strength that you have found can only come from HIM.
Let me say that I am sorry for your double loss. But I rejoice in the work
that HE is doing
in you! Over this past sabbath I was walking through our house (also
our office) and the Lord spoke to me to put together some information
on mourning and death to post on our homesite for those that might
need it. I looked in my mail and found an item that very day from our
friends in Oregon, and thought, "This will comfort someone that I
don't even know." I filed it close at hand.
In Judaism each sabbath you would be comforted by these words,
and then on the anniversary of their death you would light their
memorial candle and say another prayer. I am enclosing both in
English.
This is the Kaddish that is said at the funeral and on each sabbath:
(Note: This is not a prayer for the dead, but a hymn of praise to
G-d.)
May His Great Name be blessed forever and forever eternally. Blessed
and praised, glorified and exalted, extolled and honored, adored and
lauded be the name of the Holy One, blessed be HE, who is high above,
far above all blessings and hymns and praises and consolations which
are spoken in the world, and say, Amen.
May there be great peace from heaven and life for us and for all
Israel, and say, Amen. He who makes peace in the heavenly realms, may
HE make peace for us and for all Isreal, and say, Amen.
This is the memorial prayer that would be said on the anniversary of
their deaths: Lighting the Memorial Candle: (If you wish to take part
in the ceremony, take a candle (see #1) light it from another candle
and push the candle into the sand.)
1. We recommend that you say the
following before lighting the candle. If you prefer, as an
alternative, simply speak from the heart. O God, grant us strength as
we mourn the loss of _____. We will always have cherished memories of
him/her or them. Bless our family with light and peace. May ____
memory continue to serve as a blessing and an inspiration to all who
knew and loved him/her or them.
2. Light the candle.
3. Then say the following: His/her or their memory is a blessing.
4. Kaddish---(This is another version that you could say each sabbath, too,
or anytime)
let the glory of God be extolled, let God's great name be hallowed. In
the world whose creation God willed. May God's sovereignty soon
prevail, in our own day, our own lives, and life of all Israel, and
let us say, Amen. let God's great name be blessed forever and ever.
Let the name of God be glorified, exallted, and honored, though God is
beyond all praises, songs, and adorations that we can utter, and let
us say, Amen. For us and for all Israel, may the blessing of peace and
the promise of life come true, and let us say, Amen. May God who
causes peace to reign in the high heavens, let peace descend on us, on
all Israel, and all the world, and let us say, Amen.
God of compassion, grant perfect peace in Your sheltering Presence,
among the holy and the pure who shine in the brightness of the
firmament, to the soul of our dear ones who have gone to sleep to
await the coming of the Messiah and resurrection of life everlasting.
May God be their inheritance and may they rest in peace. And let us
answer, Amen.
Cheryle's prayer: Dear Lord of the Universe, we thank you for the
heart of this loved one who has reached out to you to soar to the
heights' of strength under your sheltering wing. He is precious to
you, and we thank you for him. Lord, guard his heart ever in your
ways, and come soon, Mashiach, so that he and his loved ones may
rejoice together in the Olam Haba together. Always draw him close and
give him the peace that only you can bring to one at this time. In the
name of Yeshua HaMashiach we pray. Amen.
I don't know where you live but I have found a book called A Guide to
Life: Jewish Laws and Customs of Mourning by Rabbi Tzvi Rabinowicz. It
can be found at most Barnes and Nobles or other book stores in the
Jewish section. It is published by Jason Aronson, Inc. 230 Livingston
Street, Northvales, NJ 07647 and the ISBN number is: 1-56821-143-0.
There is an excellent bibliography in the back of the book, too.
Again our condolences and we know that HE is with you. I will be in
touch with other things as I find them.
Shalom Alecheim--Cheryle Holeman
of HaY'Did Ministries
**********************************************************************
To educate, train and equip for study both the Jew and Non-Jew
in the Rich Hebraic Heritage of our Faith.
Eddie Chumney
Hebraic Heritage Ministries Int'l